For this week’s Soapbox, David looks at the sticky issue of giving compliments.
On paper, the giving and receiving of kind words should be a straightforward process.
You say a nice thing. The other person says “Thank you”. But sadly it’s never that straightforward.
Especially with women.
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“You look… like this.” David Mitchell, you are *weird*.
As for complementing all three women, I know a guy who gave flowers to all three women (including myself) to disguise the fact that he was actually interested in just one of us. He didn’t get the girl, ha, ha.
On the other hand, a friend of mine was royally pissed off when a postdoc admitted that he only gave her a copy of his thesis (which he gave to several other members of the group) just so she wouldn’t feel left out. So much for the considerate gesture. Incidentally, I received no copy myself. Not sure what to make of that. Did he assume I was more emotionally stable than my friend, not to be upset by being left out? Maybe, and he would be right. So go ahead, compliment all you want. If the ugly girls can’t handle it, that’s their problem.
Oh dear, as is the tendency of most intellegent people, you are clearly overthinking this! A compliment shouldn’t be analyzed, or even thought up in advance, it loses it’s sincerity… and if a compliment isn’t sincere, then what is the point?!
I say if it strikes you that someone is looking nice, and you feel compelled to tell them then do so. Unless you run the risk of leaving someone feeling left out then I would suggest not saying anything. There is no point lifting one person’s spirit if it will hurt another’s feelings.
Regarding the idea that saying something nice somehow makes the assumtion that you have been “scrutinizing” their appearence, or that you are insinuating the person doesn’t usually look nice, is a bit of a stretch. I have never personally analyzed a compliment that indepthly. As for whether or not you are a “fit judge”, well, if you can form your own personal opinion, you are!
This weeks extremely funny, though rather tortured, rant I would assume is more of a reflection on your, quite charming, personal insecurities then it is on any actual experience of compliments going pearshaped?!
What slightly concerns me is that if you squirm at the thought of giving compliments, you probably find it equally painful to receive them. I can only imagine what webs of terror your inner dialogue must spin upon being told “you look nice”?! The thing to keep in mind, when both giving and receiving a compliment, is that this person has simply experienced a positive feeling about you and has made the effort to express that. This should not be a daunting moment for either the giver or the receiver!
Perhaps it would benefit you to work on accepting a compliment, and then you may find it easier to give them. Just a thought. I know that you must receive a good deal of them from the folks that appreciate your humour, your writing and performing work, the ideas you share with us weekly in your articles for the Observer, and via Soapbox. If you do take the time to read the comments section, especially here on Soapbox, you will be deluged by folks who appreciate you and have taken the time to say so.
I was raised to believe that if you appreciate something someone has said, or done, then you should tell them so. Therefore I will repeat the statement I recently left in the comments section of your Observer article; “Mr. Mitchell you are truly a gem… bright, multi-faceted, and a precious commodity!”
If that has caused you any inner turmoil then I do apologise, as that was clearly the opposite of my intention.
BTW- The “mirror” idea? No. Please no. 
David, MissP and me don’t mind. “Your hair is rather colourful today, you couple of freaks.” is just fine 
As someone who has often been in the situation of being the least attractive of a trio of women, I think the best thing you can do is not say anything at all. Usually everyone is aware of ‘how they rank’ in terms of attractiveness, and the polite thing to do is not to draw any attention to it whatsoever.
Definitely don’t use that mirror.
David your really funny and intellegent so how hard can it be to pay a woman a compliment. I dont think you even need to pay woman a compliment, just charm them with charisma and understanding.
If that fails then go for a fat ugly woman, they know their place and will understand that your not paying them compliments because your an honest man and they’l be happy with the smallest of human contact.
Hope this helps 
I’m worse at recieving compliments than I am at giving them. If you agree, you look like you think far too much of yourself, and If you don’t, you’re being inpolite. In the past I’ve just blurted out the most extreme thing I can. Like, ‘Well obviously, cos I always do,’ or ‘oh, shut up, I look awful!’
I sometimes feel like i am the Clara of the trio. I go out with my friends and i know that i am the one person people look at and think, she must be the intelligent one. The funny, clever fat girl that everyone likes and has a great time with but would never take home.
Not that i would go home with them, i am not that sort of girl but it would be nice to think someone would possibly, if having consumed enough alcohol, would actually consider shagging me.
You are, as usual, correct about the nature of compliment. You could not have expressed yourself with more wit, charm and insight. It is now quite clear that all compliments, no matter how well meaning, are cruel and perverse.
I wouldn’t try the mirror thing.
If they’re insecure it might just make them burst into tears…
But, you could cover the mirror part with a magazine cut-out of someone better looking?
Blimey David, it must be really hard work being you! However, you do look lovely today.
It’s certainly a tricky situation isn’t? I mean for instance one day a woman might have made an extra special effort in the hope that some male attention would be obtained, and nobody looked twice or declared in any way that she looked like a rather scrumptious piece of ass. Another day she may be perhaps having ‘moody lady time,’ and not be attempting to look appealing at all, and her male acquaintance (be who he may), will have picked up on the fact she wasn’t feeling very dandy about herself and in a hope of improving her sullen mood remarks on how nice she appears whether it is true or not. This may result in a trip to casualty and possibly a stiletto being removed from a specific orifice.
There’s simply no way of knowing what to say, if you do pass comment, and taking a vow of silence when it comes to complimentary matters must remain consistent, so it appears that you don’t say anything nice about anyone, ever.
As an alternative option you could become blind, and be free to pass lovely judgments with the simple phrase, ‘you smell, feel, taste, sound or just seem very nice today,’ to which the woman will accept your compliment whole heartedly because she doesn’t want to appear like a bitch who’s yelling at a blind man.
I like the cut of yer jib ma boy.
Wow, there are a lot of self-depricating women on this forum. Why don’t we all just go around thinking we look awesome, then there would be no need for compliments as we would all already know we looked great.
To me, you’re all Anna’s. (*WINK*)
Conversely, being a girl with ringlet curls, I get really fed up of people going on about them as if nobody else has ever had curly hair. I always wish people would compliment my eyes, and always feel so much more flattered when they do. Therefore, I guess if you are going to compliment someone, don’t be lazy and comment on the first thing you see, and think about what would make them feel special. Different compliments are suitable depending on the situation of course.
Also, less is definitely more, in compliment terms…
Compliments are a bad idea. They are embarrassing to give out, for fear that they might get the wrong idea, or worse, the right idea, and they are even more embarrassing to receive, especially because you know they are lying and therefore make you far more paranoid. I propose that compliments should be scrapped all together and that it would be rude to compliment someone.
Well, I think this is a very problematic subject and DM is right to treat it with care. And I’m not sure the trickiness is isolated to women either, although maybe that’s just because I have a foot permanently in mouth. Anyway, as we know a woman’s appearance is indelibly connected with her sense of being, worth, etc so getting it wrong is BAD. But, it is still generally nice to be complimented. However, the sheer unspecifity of ‘you look nice’ is terrifying as well as meaningless. So I reckon it’s better to be specific in the compliment, e.g. nice dress, I like that ring/necklace/what you’ve done with your hair, etc. Never ever get caught out judging between women! Look what happened to Paris when he said Aphrodite was the prettiest for example.
We really like to get compliments for things other than appearance too. Just saying.
how about, “you three look nice.”
You don’t give flowers and you don’t give compliments. I think I love you. It all seems meaningless and yet much too personal to me, also.
I know what you are saying but some women would find it a compliment if a man said they looked nice,i for one would be over the moon if you complimented me on how i looked. I think you should take a leaf out of your own soapbox (sorry) as in the episode consensus…why can`t people just say what they mean. P.s hopefully see you in June xxxx