David Mitchell’s SoapBox: Mouse

mitchell: David Mitchell’s SoapBox: Mouse

February 6 2009 | WilHarris

We are thrilled to welcome the distinguished tones of David Mitchell onto ChannelFlip.

Over the next 20 weeks, the BAFTA award-winning actor, writer and comic will share his unique view of the modern world in “David Mitchell’s Soapbox”, a show that comes pre-packaged, ChannelFlip style, in handy little 5 minute chunks.

5 minutes of pure, unadultered Mitchell. What could be better?

The show is brought to you in association with our friends at Bulldog Natural Grooming. Go and check out their wonderful products at MeetTheBulldog.com.

In this first episode, David reveals he has an unwelcome - and furry - house guest.

Credit: Written by David Mitchell and John Finnemore

comments

Sam

February 6th, 2009 - 2:52pm

Very refreshing and a nice touch to the show. Love a good bit of comedy. Brightened up my day. Nice one boys

StevenG.

February 6th, 2009 - 2:59pm

OMG! Great to see David on the site.

Extremely entertaining idea. Can’t wait for more!

Damian

February 6th, 2009 - 3:00pm

Awesome stuff!

Personally, I’d hire a ratcatcher!

podza

February 6th, 2009 - 4:03pm

First Llewellyn and now Mitchell, guys you really stepping it up a notch, I’d invite the Neighbors cats over for a bowel of milk, and mouse hunt.

Cant wait for the next one

Ian

February 6th, 2009 - 4:32pm

I guess having Mark, oops David here will make the wait for the next series of Peep show seem shorter.

I only have passive aggressive solutions, so I’d probably just put all my food in mouse-proof containers and run the cabling through stainless steel conduit…

… and probably pepper the place with insulting, mouse related post-it notes.

Logan

February 6th, 2009 - 4:37pm

I’d set Christian Bale on it.

Si Brindley

February 6th, 2009 - 4:56pm

Excellent stuff - looking forward to watching regularly

And David: you’d make an excellent Arthur Dent.

Spode

February 6th, 2009 - 5:18pm

If I had a mouse in my house, I’d use my spouse to douse said mouse with juice.

Fozza

February 6th, 2009 - 5:48pm

Nice fresh new addition.
Anychance it may continue after the 20wks?

Well done CF

Peepaholic

February 6th, 2009 - 6:01pm

What a brilliant idea to unite David with t’tinternet. Certainly an unusual coupling, but one with more than a touch of genius.
Sorry to hear about the mouse Mr M.
Can I suggest a flame thrower or what about a spear of some kind?

Chris

February 6th, 2009 - 6:18pm

Learn to like the mouse. Gain its trust, feed it little bits of tasty food that it will soon start to take in preference to your cables.

Then accidentally stand on it.

angelchrome

February 6th, 2009 - 7:45pm

Burn it, it’s a witch. The mouse (or its fancy lady) will produce more mice. Many, many more mice.

Joanne Carr

February 6th, 2009 - 7:46pm

Apparently, you only have to take the mouse at least one mile away from its current domicile to ensure it does not return. Just make sure the mouse is actually in the humane trap before you set off. My flat mate got up in the small hours of the morning because she heard the trap trigger. She pulled on track suit bottoms and drove the required distance with the delicate package. It was only when she opened the trap, in some wood, that she realized her mistake. The actual mouse probably died laughing.

Good luck!

Chantal

February 6th, 2009 - 7:53pm

Don’t kill it, they’re cute.

Catch it alive and sell it to some kid as a pet.
Then everyone is happy… Apart from the kids parents probably…

ECA

February 6th, 2009 - 8:32pm

Lets see,
1 mouse.
I would suggest you call up a pet store and ask if they NEED a mouse. Since you havnt domesticated it, it will probably be used as FOOD or NEW stock and be forced to copulate to make MORE feeder mice.

MORE mice.
If you have ALLOT of mice, you can call the zoo. they ALWAYS need healthy mice. And inbreeding is a problem so they need Breeder mice.

mreed

February 7th, 2009 - 1:10am

Brilliant, love David Mitchell!

For the mouse problem, I would use the poison that kills by dehydration. There is no smell after the mouse’s death because well, he is all dried out. (Where I write “I would use…” I of course mean somebody with the stomach to kill a lil mousey.)

MrForgetful

February 7th, 2009 - 2:26am

Very watchable and amusing guy (agree with the Arthur Dent comment too). Looking forward to the other episodes.

Radio Republic fan

February 7th, 2009 - 2:52am

Buy a flake. Bash it with a hammer until it is in crumbs. Add dry cement powder from an art shop.

Mouse eats, mouse drinks, mouse sets.

Don’t think of it as killing a mouse, think of it as gaining a furry paperweight.

Ryuzaki

February 7th, 2009 - 3:25am

Play that volleyball scene in top gun over and over until it thinks your gender confused and flee’s out of fear.

Carrie

February 7th, 2009 - 3:57am

Fun vid!

papango

February 7th, 2009 - 10:05am

Catch it and put it into a plastic bag to suffocate. My brother tried that with a mouse that lived in his fireplace. I was supposed to wait with it while he (the brother) got dinner, but it was taking ages so I whumped the bag with a shoe and told him it died peacefully.

l.b

February 7th, 2009 - 12:05pm

i have seen this website start with three shows evolve into a very very good podcasting site well done the only way is up !

Girl from Mars

February 7th, 2009 - 12:25pm

You want to repel the mouse. I don’t mean that you should forgo personal grooming or make vulgar remarks. Mice don’t like mint. Put some mint teabags in areas where you are getting mice visits. Or mix peppermint extract with water and spray around the baseboards. Pretty much anywhere you are finding droppings. The droppings are like a mouse answering machine message: “Hello, stopped by, you weren’t home, so I took a crap in your cupboard and left! Also, you’re out of wheat crackers….now.”

If that doesn’t appeal to you, what about a shrill irritating sound? Celene Dion records played non- stop should force the little bugger out. Remember you can wear earplugs, but they don’t make them mouse sized.

Tell the mouse he needs to put in for rent & food. No mouse is going to be able to swing the cost of living in London. But you’ll feel bad when you see him walking away with his little rag tied to a stick.

Get a rubber mouse. Hang it by it’s neck with a string outside his dwelling. Make sure to take a black biro and draw X’s over the eyes, so the the mouse knows that it’s supposed to be a dead mouse, and not a pinata or something.

Next time you see the mouse, weep openly. Let him see you doing it. Mice get very uncomfortable when grown men cry. He won’t know where to look and will suddenly remember that he “has to be somewhere…for that thing”.

Do nothing. Yes, nothing. He’ll only live two years. Maybe less if you start getting a lot of junk food for him to eat. Trans fatty acids, greasy burgers, fries, etc….

Lastly, you could get a cage & put food in there. When he goes in it- Bam! Down goes the door! Ta Da! You now have a pet!

Oh, one more thing. Are you sure this isn’t the mouse from the pub? Maybe, he’d like to go back there? Probably misses it. Even if it’s not, what’s one more? Take him there. If it’s ladies night for mice, he might meet someone and not want to go back to the flat. Well, not your’s anyway. If you get my drift. And I think you do;)

Girl from Mars

February 7th, 2009 - 1:55pm

Another great piece of comedy from David.
Just one thing, though. Maybe you could move the “Play” button a bit. THere’s a point before you scroll all the way down where he appears to have a Hitler mustasche:0

Ian

February 7th, 2009 - 6:00pm

My girlfriend and I had a mouse in our kitchen many years ago. I don’t have much against mice except they eat through cardboard boxes and urinate and defecate in your food. I’d rather not have that. I was trying to set the old style wood & metal, spring-loaded, spine-snapping trap. I was crouching down in the tiny kitchen of our student flat trying to slide the set trap into a small gap, the trap kept firing off, I was getting frustrated and the mouse was mocking me by running around my feet. So I smacked it over the head with the dustpan and brush. Job done. What a waste of £2.99 that mouse trap was.

Beth

February 7th, 2009 - 7:28pm

Yay, David’s online!
Does he remind anyone else of Stephen Fry? yes, a bit.
Don’t know what one’s supposed to do with a mouse. I guess you can’t go wrong with a large heavy object and paying your flatmate 10 quid to clean up afterwards. that’s what i’d do, anyway. if i had a mouse. or a flatmate. or 10 quid.
David’s looking quite good now as well. yay! this whole soapbox thing makes me very very happy.

lividd

February 7th, 2009 - 9:23pm

maybe you could train the mouse, to find your tv remote or your keys when they go missing. that way everybody wins. great show btw.

Mia

February 7th, 2009 - 11:00pm

Hi. Well i would suggest, if anyone will actullay read this, especially David himself, that you set a trap, that keeps it alive. Then, presuming that you live in a two-story or above house/flat, drop it from the highest point in your home, therefore the killing is indirect, gravity did it, that phrase has certainly helped me out with certain annoying animals. well, i hope that this helps, and that you forgive my over-use of commers.

P.s. you do remind me of an ‘upgraded’ version of stephen fry, funnier, smarter, younger, much more attractive and straight!, i may actually have a acceptible crush.

Mia

February 7th, 2009 - 11:11pm

Probably a little embarresting to point this out, but everyone is actually trying to sound more articulate and cleverly smart to impress one person who would only read this to see if the references of himself are good. which they will because his is one of those ‘weird crushes’, much like Stephen Fry.

Lol!

Steven Dick

February 8th, 2009 - 12:45am

Go the film star route. Shove it up your arse.

Angela

February 8th, 2009 - 5:16am

Well, first thing I should say is that having a cat is no guarantee that said cat will get off it’s lazy arse to chase/catch/eat the mouse in question. Sadly.

Secondly it’s clear that you are striving for a non-violent solution, at least one where if the mouse perishes you will not be directly responsiblle for it’s end. In that case I suggest using a trap that catches the mouse but does not kill it. Driving to Kent would not be necessary, however you could take it to a nearby park if you are determined to release it into the wild.

The most crucial thing is to discover just how the lil’ critter got into your flat in the first place, and to take steps to prevent it from happening again. In fact try blocking the trouble spots before you try catching the mouse, just in case it’s not staying inside 24/7.

I had a similar problem once with squirrels getting into my attic, but they only came in at night then went back outside during the day. So one afternoon I filled in all the holes, preventing them from getting back in… solved the problem, and I didn’t have to kill a single creature!

Hope you find a helpful solution David, whatever it may be… and worse case scenario, you could always move?!

Cheers.

BTW- Loved your latest Guardian article!

Will

February 8th, 2009 - 11:21am

I think you need to combine a couple of your rejected ideas, those of the cat and the drive to kent. Once the mouse is caught in the humane trap invite yourself over to a friends house, a friend who has an outdoor cat that’s missing part of it’s ear and is clearly somewhat derranged. Obviously you will need to disguise the trap and as soon as the door is answered rush to the toilet where you release the mouse, then come downstairs declaring you saw something scuttle past your feet. Enjoy the meal somebody else has prepared safe in the knowledge their psychotic Vietnam-veteran-esque moggy will dispose of the mouse and like the fox, you will be simply serving the food chain.

Dawn Parker

February 8th, 2009 - 12:41pm

Hi, i have a cat which your quite welcome to borrow, (cat food will be provided by me until mouse is caught)p.s just read your latest article in the Guardian..loved it!.

Dawn Parker

February 8th, 2009 - 12:55pm

in response to my last comment i have realised that providing food would be a bad idea as she wouldnt look for the mouse if she had been fed doh!

arcadeninja

February 8th, 2009 - 6:16pm

Ive found that the best way to deal with mice problems here in the U.S. is to use the same device we use for all our problems. The microwave.

Richard

February 9th, 2009 - 2:12am

Hi David, I love the new uh… show? If that is what it is, either way it’s a great idea!

We had a mouse many years ago, call the RSPCA and ask if you can get boxed poisen blocks (that’s what they are like, rather than what they are called, so you’d still have to ask them). Basically you pop the cardboard top off them like with a microwave box of chips or chicken bites etc. and the block smells lovely to a mouse, so of cheese I can only assume.
They will place them around your home for you, mice eat these blocks over time (so you may sometimes hear the scuffle of cardboard) the mouse will then after a while feel ill and crawl off somewhere to die outside most likely, so don’t worry about finding it in the middle of your floor or something.

Oh and one final thing, you might want to check your drawers and cabinets where you keep linen for beds or clothes, as once we opened a drawer in my brothers room months after our mouse had gone, and the duvet cover inside was full of holes and covered in mouse droppings. Nice supprise that was of course…..

Good luck David!
Richard

Nish

February 9th, 2009 - 12:29pm

I have mice in the house and rat in the garden, the mice seem very clever do not touch the poison and the peanut butter covered traps just seem to amuse them. They shit everywhere, kitchen, bathroom, cupboards made a whole in my bathroom floor so they can create their own form of transport or a interconnect line of tunnels around my house, just wanna get rd of them. Any ideas?

Girl from Mars

February 9th, 2009 - 4:27pm

Say what you will about mice, they’ve managed to create an underground transport system that doesn’t fall apart when it snows. Just remind them that you don’t shit where you eat. So please don’t shit where I eat, either. Maybe, your mice get easily lost, Nish, and they are leaving trails of turds so that they can retrace their steps. Turds are a unit of measurement for mice.

Frey

February 9th, 2009 - 4:42pm

I always let someone else deal with it, while complaining about their method, without having an alternative idea myself.
I’ve always thought the nicest way to be killed was the way people kill slugs, yknow when you put down pots of beer and they drink it, get drunk, fall in it and drown. What a lovely way to be…murdered. I just don’t know if there’s an alcohol that would satisfy the taste buds of a mouse…
There’s gotta be some kind of pleasant drug for them.
Maybe a ’special’ tea that gets em stoned?
Anyway, you’d have to try out a few experiments first.

TooMuch2AM

February 10th, 2009 - 2:40am

Fantastic stuff Mr Mitchell.

So good in fact that I was compelled to download this episode and place it on my iPod.

Let me tell you my mouse mithering friend, you have raised several smiles down my local!

By the way - cheese doesn’t work on a mouse trap; try chocolate instead.

February 10th, 2009 - 2:40pm

1. Get the mouse an invitation to Alan Carr’s house. There won’t be a pussy in sight.

2. If 1) is not an option, get a hamster wheel and fit it with a tire. Place it in front of the entrance. Once the mouse is in the wheel running for Queen and country, open the door and release the hinges. The mouse will be in Glasgow before it stops.

3. If you think 2) will leave acceleration marks on the floor that cannot be removed, tell Kerry Katona it’s a chicken drumstick. It’ll be gone before you know it.

4. If you don’t want Kerry Katona in your house - understandable - convince Chelsea he should be their new coach. He’ll be out of London in weeks, although probably winning more games than Scolari in the process.

5. Should all else fail, lure him into the closet and keep your fingers crossed there actually is a lion in there. If it’s not, he’ll come out of the closet and you can refer to 1) again.

Stephen

February 10th, 2009 - 10:31pm

1) Eat Mouse
2) Take Mouse to another house
3) Move to house devoid of Mouse.

Lindz

February 11th, 2009 - 12:31am

When I had a mouse in my flat, I chased it around the room waving an empty wine bottle as a sort of club. Didn’t stop to think about the mashedmousemess that would result if I managed to catch it and bash it. Didn’t catch it though, so all was well.

In the end, my ingenious solution was to stick gaffer tape over all the places in the skirting board where it could get through. It never bothered me again.

Gail

February 11th, 2009 - 3:43pm

David, you’re looking so svelte and sexy it was impossible to tear my eyes way from you! Oh, and the comedy was funny too!

Jonathansebire

February 11th, 2009 - 6:03pm

sure the mouse could be easily offloaded to sir digby chicken caeser as some sort of magical mini horse?

Joe

February 11th, 2009 - 7:17pm

20×5 minute chunks seems a little worthless. 15 minutes would be best if I’m going to sit and watch something. 100 minutes of content stretched out over nearly 6 months is a little ridiculous…. you need at least 10 minutes.

CYMR0

February 12th, 2009 - 12:46am

I just finished watching this, then stumbled upon a dead mouse in the lounge. Thanks cat!

Coincidence or mouse conspiracy???

Lynn

February 12th, 2009 - 7:42pm

Oh yes, it’s a slippery slope. You start by trapping a couple of mice in your kitchen and the next thing you know you’ve become a fully paid-up member of the local hunt (arguably, this is where the house horse may come in handy).
My advice would be to pay a professional to do it. That way you spare the many hours that would otherwise be fruitlessly spent stalking the kitchen with a cricket bat and, most importantly, your conscience remains clear. To be honest though, I don’t understand why you worry so much about the mouse’s feelings when it clearly doesn’t give a stuff about yours.

BTW, what sort of mouse eats wasabi peas? Yours seems to have a very strange palate.

ArlOCrescent

February 13th, 2009 - 7:03am

Zen method to stop worrying about your mouse:

Step 1) Purchase traditional spring-action mouse trap

Step 2) Bait trap with peanut butter, place with business end against wall in area where “evidence” of mouse appears, leave overnight

Step 3) Check trap next morning

Step 4) Marvel at nature’s infinite variety; muse on creature able to eat peanut butter without springing trap but unable to grasp even rudimentary aspects of sanitation and hygiene

Step 5) Re-apply peanut butter to trap, carefully neglecting obvious safety measure of springing trap before touching it

Step 6) Jump up and down, screaming “evidence” repeatedly until sense of humiliation overwhelms pain

Step 7) Apply ice to swollen finger, depart for work

Step Smile complacently at fellow commuters whose eyes take flattering notice of your new hair cut

Step 9) During 9:30 meeting, use newfound hair-inspired confidence to flirt with guy in office

Step 10) Confab in ladies’ room with colleagues about guy; recognize their stares are not admiration of new hair cut

Step 11) Return to sense of humiliation and dab uselessly with budget-conscience workplace paper towels at peanut butter in hair

Step 11) Die of embarrassment, leaving mouse problem far behind

Gareth

February 14th, 2009 - 12:24am

I am shocked. Nay, apalled. Nay, shocked, that nobody seems to have considered how offensive this item is to mice!!! Don’t the viewers of this web-logue realise that, in times of economic hardships, we are supposed to get offended by absolutely everything? The thought of that poor mouse being persecuted by an award-winning comic actor, frankly, makes me. When - oh when - will people like me stop getting all offended by harmless little comments about rodent infestation and get back to being ofended that people are being offended because of the PC, liberal attitudes that thrive in more affluent times? I’ll tell you who: the British taxpayer!!!

Aidan

February 14th, 2009 - 3:49pm

I had the same problem, I bought a sonic mouse/rat repeller from B&Q.

Great Podcast keep it up David.

David

February 14th, 2009 - 6:11pm

David - if you have seen one mouse, you can bet there are at least four in the flat. Kill them while you can. Otherwise you will have a revolution on your hands.

Yours,

David

Steve

February 15th, 2009 - 2:55pm

I watched your podcast with a great degree of sympathy at your plight. I’ve recently faced a similar problem, in as much as I needed to get rid of a mouse that had decided to take up residence. I spent a lot of time trying to find the best way to solve the problem particularly as my Buddhist leanings put me dead against any method that involved me taking a life. Well when I say Buddhist leanings, I have to admit that they are more by way of physique than philosophy, but I do actually try not to kill anything just for the sake of it, always relocating spiders and flies where I can.

So I decided that the humane trap was going to be the way, and I did have some success, taking 3 or 4 out and triumphantly releasing them on a layby at least a mile away from home, lest they should find their way back (so several knowlegeable souls said anyway). But despite these successes the problem continued and under an enormous amount of pressure from my wife (who is absolutely terrified of the little loves), I realised that my approach had to become more of a capital nature.

I didn’t like the idea of poison, it seemed a dirty business and you would never know where the poor soul had expired. Mousetraps didn’t appeal either as I’d only ever seen them used once, and the poor thing had been caught across the nose and was still very much alive when the trap was examined. So I found the only other solution that would deal with the problem quickly - electrocution.

I got a rat electrocution trap, apparently better than the mouse version because it was larger and less likely to deter a mouse from venturing inside. It had a good write up at the online retail outlet I ordered it from and so I decided to give it a go. The trap arrived much quicker than I’d expected, and I have to admit that I put off using it for quite a while, until, after a final sighting in the kitchen, the pressure and threats from above was too great to ignore.

I used peanut butter (smooth) on a piece of dog biscuit (gluten-free) as a lure and switched on the trap. The hum and flashing LED was quite sinister and I retired to let it do its work. The next morning when I checked the trap, the flashing LED said that it had been tripped and I cautiously looked inside. The biscuit had gone, and in its place there was an enormous mouse, much bigger than those that had gone for a ride in the country before it.

And it didn’t end there. Another four followed it into the great beyond and it would appear that now the problem is solved. I’m not terribly proud of what I had to do, but it was all very humane, and it is considerably better than getting constant earache from a lady who is upset by vermin in most of its forms.

So do what you have to do and do it quickly. Because despite what you may wish to think, it clearly is rarely just one mouse, and will cost you much less in batteries in the long run.

Hannah

February 15th, 2009 - 3:39pm

We have a humane mouse trap with a mini see-saw that tips once the mouse goes in so it can’t get out again. Then we walk round to the fields at the back of the house and release it. Although, I’m not sure what happens to these mice because the only reason we ever get them in the house in the first place is because they’ve been brought in already half-dead by our cats.

eve

February 17th, 2009 - 4:14pm

Create a beautiful ’star’ of upside down gaffer tape (for it cures all ailments) across the floor of the room it most often frequents. Place cheese, or nuts or Doritos or whatever the little bastard seems to enjoy in the center of the ’star’. Mouse will stick to tape and probably still be there by the time you wake up/return home. Before freeing it, i suggest watching it for a bit, perhaps film it on your phone..because youtube is just a click away. Peel mouse from the Gaffer (keeping paws firmly bound if possible). Then place inside a jiffy bag address to someone your not particularly fond of, with a note saying ‘Your Next’ 2 birds, 1 stone. I thank you.

Stephen

February 17th, 2009 - 10:25pm

I have the perfect idea,
Catch it alive in a box/trap or whatever. Give it to your mother-in-law and say it is a “present” because you love her so much. She would obviously be confused and not want it but as you ‘love her so much’, she would think it is rude to say no and would not want you to be upset. She would take, say thank-you and you would be on your way. Now its hers to keep (or to think of a way to dipose of it). You then go home and relax without the thought of mice scurrying round your flat, unless there were more than one…

John Smith

February 22nd, 2009 - 7:31pm

If you don’t want the mouse continually needing food, don’t want to kill it, and don’t want to leave it to be killed by the forces of nature, I suggest you have it’s brain harvested and used to add a rudimentary intelligence to, say, your video recorder, so it remembers which programs you want to tape or something.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2552973/Rats-brain-used-to-power-robot.html

Easy Tiger

February 23rd, 2009 - 7:08pm

I once found a mouse in a box whilst working in a warehouse. I leapt a mile. Turns out I’m a bit of a girl about these things. Someone called a pest control, and i never saw the mouse again

I haven’t given it much thought until now and I probably won’t again

Loved the podcast though, very entertaining

Tonums

March 1st, 2009 - 9:11am

Unplug the mouse from the usb port and place in bin.

Buy a touchscreen monitor.

Voila! Life without mouses.

or have I got the wrong idea?

M.sprackling

March 9th, 2009 - 11:21am

Now this is going to sound crazy sick and psychotic but put it in a blanket and sling shot it then wether it dies or not isent your responsability its for gravity the wind and fate to deside (not that i belive in any of that mojo not gravity or wind i meen fate) i meen it can eighter land on a convienently placed soft object like a small girs missplaced teddy bear or a tramps bed or it could land on the cold hard floor of a london streat though it will probably come to a sticky end with the second option its probably going to get eaten by an urban fox or an old cat that wont even eat it but just punt it around the living room asif to say look at me im not usless yet

George

March 10th, 2009 - 12:47pm

It depends upon what kind of mouse we are discussing here to how appropriatly to deal with the situation.
If iam being honest David (yes ive used you first name and its informal, but this is the internet, and if you can see a video of two young woman sharing a glass of excriment to the sound of the jungle book then iam going to use your first name).

Anyway i think that what your tying to get across in the video is that the mouse isent really a physical being, rather more a metaphorical mouse in which your placeing all your anxiety and heart felt emotion.

So my advice is to maybe relaz a bit more - find your cheese in life - and dopnt worry so much about your inner demons, even if they are small and demon like.

Felix Mitchell

March 15th, 2009 - 6:02pm

David: your online chums bulldog are doing you a bad turn by not actually saying on their site where one can find your videos. I had to delve into the embedded menu on the video itself to find this page.

Re: the mouth. Kill it, you wuss.

Matt

March 20th, 2009 - 6:43pm

I find that the best way to catch a mouse is with a cylinder vacuum cleaner. Mice usually have a habit of hiding behind furniture when you’re after them, so all you have to do is stick the nozzle under the cupboard/TV/fridge and switch it on. You’ll hear when you caught it.

Deflatamaus

March 28th, 2009 - 2:51pm

Get it stoned, a la withnail & I and then get a mini-pair of bellows and either inflate it until its lungs pop or deflate it until it collapses.

Either that or gain its trust by giving it food and then over the next few weeks slowly poison it by feeding it those out of date products your mum brings over for your fridge when they are too old for her fridge, ie Hummous that’s furry and over two weeks past.

Good luck, DM!

Emilie

March 31st, 2009 - 8:20pm

You don’t want to kill the mouse (fair enough) but catching it humanely and letting it go in the garden or taking it to Kent are bad ideas.

May I suggest that you capture it humanely and then take it several blocks down the road and let it into somebody else’s garden? Then your mouse can be sombeody else’s mouse and there’s no risk it wouldn’t be able to cope with naturey things out in Kent. Though you’d still have the angry mouse in a box problem for a short period of time…

Jay

May 8th, 2009 - 12:12pm

Same problem for me - I live in London - caught ‘my mouse’ with nothing but a box and my wits. Released in the park.

Caitlin

May 29th, 2009 - 4:57pm

take 1 live captured mouse
add wooden catapult set up in garden

well i think you can see where this is going.

mouse probably not injured, they’re fairly light and they bounce. they’d then be someone elses problem

Jenny.M

June 15th, 2009 - 9:28pm

I had a mouse recently in my cupboard not only was it cheeky enough to be living in my cupboard it also started to eat all the lovely chocolate I had just brought back from holiday!! I stood in B&Q for ages trying to decide which trap to buy, nice friendly trap where I could let it out in the wild or nasty trap which would kill it…..but then I woke up and thought..the little bugger is eating my chocolate, it deserves to die! So I set the trap which its meant to go inside the box eat the poison and die, but just to spite me it ate to poison, climbed back out the box and died in my cupboard, one last little rebellion! Fecker!

Malcolm

July 27th, 2009 - 3:32pm

Si Brindley
Absolutely: The Perfect Arthur Dent
Well spotted.

Miriam

August 2nd, 2009 - 3:55am

You should probably consider leaving London if you hate mice but can’t see yourself ever killing one.

chaotic neutral

August 22nd, 2009 - 9:12pm

autograph the mouse and sell it on the internet; use proceeds to purchase cat for nearby old lady. future mice are fed to said cat; this will enthuse old lady, feed cat, kill mouse, and leave a faint residue of community.

Hosk

September 4th, 2009 - 3:36pm

get a humane trap, which kills it slowly when you forget to go and get the trap.

you could get a cat but those lazy animals could catch anything, mainly because they can’t be bothered.

The only sure way to get rid of a mouse is to get a rat in. you always know if there are rats there won’t be mice and if there are mice there won’t be any rats.

Andre D

September 4th, 2009 - 3:47pm

Why not make a tiny little wicker mouse and then simply burn the blighter alive!!!
Alternatively dress up a tiny stick of dynamite as an alluring girl mouse and watch the little chap have his little chap blown off when he attempts to get amorous.

These are just two excerpts from my new book one hundred and one ways to kill a mouse.

Thank you to David for highlighting some other methods in his witty banter.

jennie

September 22nd, 2009 - 9:06am

Oh what a bunch of girls you all are. We Aussies grow up with the deafening roar of possums scampering through our walls/ceilings. As for a mouse - there are people that will deal with it, for a price. They set baits, and then assure you the mice will die outside. The mice don’t. They die under the floor boards in the centre of the room where you can’t get at them, and they stink for a week. Enjoy!

Charles Gillis

October 15th, 2009 - 3:51am

Being an American, I would think that some sort of a large bomb in is order.

The Answer

January 14th, 2010 - 5:25pm

The answer is trap it alive and put it outside (not too nearby or it will find a way back). That way natures (current) winter weather is dealing with it. It will fall asleep from the temperature, die in its sleep, rot and become earth again. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Simples.
Now, how do I claim my prize?

Ryan Watson

February 8th, 2010 - 12:00am

Well assuming I am answering to win, my plan would have to involve me coming to collect the mouse as the prise is a mouse. So therefore my plan is inevitably going to be me getting the mouse out of your flat for you……However if you want to know what i would do with the mouse? I currently have a hamster and i want to see if they would be friends

alex

February 14th, 2010 - 11:43pm

step 1) capture mouse 2)go next door 3) pour mouse through letter box 4)ring bell 5) RUN LIKE HELL!!! (choose arshole nabour )

oli

February 24th, 2010 - 8:39pm

are you sure it’s not a hampster? when my mates and i lived in a student house we caught a hampster running out our front door. we kept it for a while. rip jimmy.

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mitchell: David Mitchell’s SoapBox: Mouse

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The UK's Finest Video Channel for Switched On Men

mitchell: David Mitchell’s SoapBox: Mouse

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