Very refreshing and a nice touch to the show. Love a good bit of comedy. Brightened up my day. Nice one boys

Awesome stuff!

Personally, I’d hire a ratcatcher!

I guess having Mark, oops David here will make the wait for the next series of Peep show seem shorter.

I only have passive aggressive solutions, so I’d probably just put all my food in mouse-proof containers and run the cabling through stainless steel conduit…

… and probably pepper the place with insulting, mouse related post-it notes.

Excellent stuff - looking forward to watching regularly

And David: you’d make an excellent Arthur Dent.

Nice fresh new addition.
Anychance it may continue after the 20wks?

Well done CF

Learn to like the mouse. Gain its trust, feed it little bits of tasty food that it will soon start to take in preference to your cables.

Then accidentally stand on it.

Apparently, you only have to take the mouse at least one mile away from its current domicile to ensure it does not return. Just make sure the mouse is actually in the humane trap before you set off. My flat mate got up in the small hours of the morning because she heard the trap trigger. She pulled on track suit bottoms and drove the required distance with the delicate package. It was only when she opened the trap, in some wood, that she realized her mistake. The actual mouse probably died laughing.

Good luck!

Lets see,
1 mouse.
I would suggest you call up a pet store and ask if they NEED a mouse. Since you havnt domesticated it, it will probably be used as FOOD or NEW stock and be forced to copulate to make MORE feeder mice.

MORE mice.
If you have ALLOT of mice, you can call the zoo. they ALWAYS need healthy mice. And inbreeding is a problem so they need Breeder mice.

Very watchable and amusing guy (agree with the Arthur Dent comment too). Looking forward to the other episodes.

Play that volleyball scene in top gun over and over until it thinks your gender confused and flee’s out of fear.

Catch it and put it into a plastic bag to suffocate. My brother tried that with a mouse that lived in his fireplace. I was supposed to wait with it while he (the brother) got dinner, but it was taking ages so I whumped the bag with a shoe and told him it died peacefully.

You want to repel the mouse. I don’t mean that you should forgo personal grooming or make vulgar remarks. Mice don’t like mint. Put some mint teabags in areas where you are getting mice visits. Or mix peppermint extract with water and spray around the baseboards. Pretty much anywhere you are finding droppings. The droppings are like a mouse answering machine message: “Hello, stopped by, you weren’t home, so I took a crap in your cupboard and left! Also, you’re out of wheat crackers….now.”

If that doesn’t appeal to you, what about a shrill irritating sound? Celene Dion records played non- stop should force the little bugger out. Remember you can wear earplugs, but they don’t make them mouse sized.

Tell the mouse he needs to put in for rent & food. No mouse is going to be able to swing the cost of living in London. But you’ll feel bad when you see him walking away with his little rag tied to a stick.

Get a rubber mouse. Hang it by it’s neck with a string outside his dwelling. Make sure to take a black biro and draw X’s over the eyes, so the the mouse knows that it’s supposed to be a dead mouse, and not a pinata or something.

Next time you see the mouse, weep openly. Let him see you doing it. Mice get very uncomfortable when grown men cry. He won’t know where to look and will suddenly remember that he “has to be somewhere…for that thing”.

Do nothing. Yes, nothing. He’ll only live two years. Maybe less if you start getting a lot of junk food for him to eat. Trans fatty acids, greasy burgers, fries, etc….

Lastly, you could get a cage & put food in there. When he goes in it- Bam! Down goes the door! Ta Da! You now have a pet!

Oh, one more thing. Are you sure this isn’t the mouse from the pub? Maybe, he’d like to go back there? Probably misses it. Even if it’s not, what’s one more? Take him there. If it’s ladies night for mice, he might meet someone and not want to go back to the flat. Well, not your’s anyway. If you get my drift. And I think you do;)

My girlfriend and I had a mouse in our kitchen many years ago. I don’t have much against mice except they eat through cardboard boxes and urinate and defecate in your food. I’d rather not have that. I was trying to set the old style wood & metal, spring-loaded, spine-snapping trap. I was crouching down in the tiny kitchen of our student flat trying to slide the set trap into a small gap, the trap kept firing off, I was getting frustrated and the mouse was mocking me by running around my feet. So I smacked it over the head with the dustpan and brush. Job done. What a waste of £2.99 that mouse trap was.

maybe you could train the mouse, to find your tv remote or your keys when they go missing. that way everybody wins. great show btw.

Probably a little embarresting to point this out, but everyone is actually trying to sound more articulate and cleverly smart to impress one person who would only read this to see if the references of himself are good. which they will because his is one of those ‘weird crushes’, much like Stephen Fry.

Lol!

Well, first thing I should say is that having a cat is no guarantee that said cat will get off it’s lazy arse to chase/catch/eat the mouse in question. Sadly.

Secondly it’s clear that you are striving for a non-violent solution, at least one where if the mouse perishes you will not be directly responsiblle for it’s end. In that case I suggest using a trap that catches the mouse but does not kill it. Driving to Kent would not be necessary, however you could take it to a nearby park if you are determined to release it into the wild.

The most crucial thing is to discover just how the lil’ critter got into your flat in the first place, and to take steps to prevent it from happening again. In fact try blocking the trouble spots before you try catching the mouse, just in case it’s not staying inside 24/7.

I had a similar problem once with squirrels getting into my attic, but they only came in at night then went back outside during the day. So one afternoon I filled in all the holes, preventing them from getting back in… solved the problem, and I didn’t have to kill a single creature!

Hope you find a helpful solution David, whatever it may be… and worse case scenario, you could always move?!

Cheers.

BTW- Loved your latest Guardian article!

Hi, i have a cat which your quite welcome to borrow, (cat food will be provided by me until mouse is caught)p.s just read your latest article in the Guardian..loved it!.

Ive found that the best way to deal with mice problems here in the U.S. is to use the same device we use for all our problems. The microwave.

I have mice in the house and rat in the garden, the mice seem very clever do not touch the poison and the peanut butter covered traps just seem to amuse them. They shit everywhere, kitchen, bathroom, cupboards made a whole in my bathroom floor so they can create their own form of transport or a interconnect line of tunnels around my house, just wanna get rd of them. Any ideas?

I always let someone else deal with it, while complaining about their method, without having an alternative idea myself.
I’ve always thought the nicest way to be killed was the way people kill slugs, yknow when you put down pots of beer and they drink it, get drunk, fall in it and drown. What a lovely way to be…murdered. I just don’t know if there’s an alcohol that would satisfy the taste buds of a mouse…
There’s gotta be some kind of pleasant drug for them.
Maybe a ’special’ tea that gets em stoned?
Anyway, you’d have to try out a few experiments first.

1. Get the mouse an invitation to Alan Carr’s house. There won’t be a pussy in sight.

2. If 1) is not an option, get a hamster wheel and fit it with a tire. Place it in front of the entrance. Once the mouse is in the wheel running for Queen and country, open the door and release the hinges. The mouse will be in Glasgow before it stops.

3. If you think 2) will leave acceleration marks on the floor that cannot be removed, tell Kerry Katona it’s a chicken drumstick. It’ll be gone before you know it.

4. If you don’t want Kerry Katona in your house - understandable - convince Chelsea he should be their new coach. He’ll be out of London in weeks, although probably winning more games than Scolari in the process.

5. Should all else fail, lure him into the closet and keep your fingers crossed there actually is a lion in there. If it’s not, he’ll come out of the closet and you can refer to 1) again.

When I had a mouse in my flat, I chased it around the room waving an empty wine bottle as a sort of club. Didn’t stop to think about the mashedmousemess that would result if I managed to catch it and bash it. Didn’t catch it though, so all was well.

In the end, my ingenious solution was to stick gaffer tape over all the places in the skirting board where it could get through. It never bothered me again.

sure the mouse could be easily offloaded to sir digby chicken caeser as some sort of magical mini horse?

I just finished watching this, then stumbled upon a dead mouse in the lounge. Thanks cat!

Coincidence or mouse conspiracy???

Zen method to stop worrying about your mouse:

Step 1) Purchase traditional spring-action mouse trap

Step 2) Bait trap with peanut butter, place with business end against wall in area where “evidence” of mouse appears, leave overnight

Step 3) Check trap next morning

Step 4) Marvel at nature’s infinite variety; muse on creature able to eat peanut butter without springing trap but unable to grasp even rudimentary aspects of sanitation and hygiene

Step 5) Re-apply peanut butter to trap, carefully neglecting obvious safety measure of springing trap before touching it

Step 6) Jump up and down, screaming “evidence” repeatedly until sense of humiliation overwhelms pain

Step 7) Apply ice to swollen finger, depart for work

Step Smile complacently at fellow commuters whose eyes take flattering notice of your new hair cut

Step 9) During 9:30 meeting, use newfound hair-inspired confidence to flirt with guy in office

Step 10) Confab in ladies’ room with colleagues about guy; recognize their stares are not admiration of new hair cut

Step 11) Return to sense of humiliation and dab uselessly with budget-conscience workplace paper towels at peanut butter in hair

Step 11) Die of embarrassment, leaving mouse problem far behind

I had the same problem, I bought a sonic mouse/rat repeller from B&Q.

Great Podcast keep it up David.

I watched your podcast with a great degree of sympathy at your plight. I’ve recently faced a similar problem, in as much as I needed to get rid of a mouse that had decided to take up residence. I spent a lot of time trying to find the best way to solve the problem particularly as my Buddhist leanings put me dead against any method that involved me taking a life. Well when I say Buddhist leanings, I have to admit that they are more by way of physique than philosophy, but I do actually try not to kill anything just for the sake of it, always relocating spiders and flies where I can.

So I decided that the humane trap was going to be the way, and I did have some success, taking 3 or 4 out and triumphantly releasing them on a layby at least a mile away from home, lest they should find their way back (so several knowlegeable souls said anyway). But despite these successes the problem continued and under an enormous amount of pressure from my wife (who is absolutely terrified of the little loves), I realised that my approach had to become more of a capital nature.

I didn’t like the idea of poison, it seemed a dirty business and you would never know where the poor soul had expired. Mousetraps didn’t appeal either as I’d only ever seen them used once, and the poor thing had been caught across the nose and was still very much alive when the trap was examined. So I found the only other solution that would deal with the problem quickly - electrocution.

I got a rat electrocution trap, apparently better than the mouse version because it was larger and less likely to deter a mouse from venturing inside. It had a good write up at the online retail outlet I ordered it from and so I decided to give it a go. The trap arrived much quicker than I’d expected, and I have to admit that I put off using it for quite a while, until, after a final sighting in the kitchen, the pressure and threats from above was too great to ignore.

I used peanut butter (smooth) on a piece of dog biscuit (gluten-free) as a lure and switched on the trap. The hum and flashing LED was quite sinister and I retired to let it do its work. The next morning when I checked the trap, the flashing LED said that it had been tripped and I cautiously looked inside. The biscuit had gone, and in its place there was an enormous mouse, much bigger than those that had gone for a ride in the country before it.

And it didn’t end there. Another four followed it into the great beyond and it would appear that now the problem is solved. I’m not terribly proud of what I had to do, but it was all very humane, and it is considerably better than getting constant earache from a lady who is upset by vermin in most of its forms.

So do what you have to do and do it quickly. Because despite what you may wish to think, it clearly is rarely just one mouse, and will cost you much less in batteries in the long run.

Create a beautiful ’star’ of upside down gaffer tape (for it cures all ailments) across the floor of the room it most often frequents. Place cheese, or nuts or Doritos or whatever the little bastard seems to enjoy in the center of the ’star’. Mouse will stick to tape and probably still be there by the time you wake up/return home. Before freeing it, i suggest watching it for a bit, perhaps film it on your phone..because youtube is just a click away. Peel mouse from the Gaffer (keeping paws firmly bound if possible). Then place inside a jiffy bag address to someone your not particularly fond of, with a note saying ‘Your Next’ 2 birds, 1 stone. I thank you.

If you don’t want the mouse continually needing food, don’t want to kill it, and don’t want to leave it to be killed by the forces of nature, I suggest you have it’s brain harvested and used to add a rudimentary intelligence to, say, your video recorder, so it remembers which programs you want to tape or something.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2552973/Rats-brain-used-to-power-robot.html

Unplug the mouse from the usb port and place in bin.

Buy a touchscreen monitor.

Voila! Life without mouses.

or have I got the wrong idea?

It depends upon what kind of mouse we are discussing here to how appropriatly to deal with the situation.
If iam being honest David (yes ive used you first name and its informal, but this is the internet, and if you can see a video of two young woman sharing a glass of excriment to the sound of the jungle book then iam going to use your first name).

Anyway i think that what your tying to get across in the video is that the mouse isent really a physical being, rather more a metaphorical mouse in which your placeing all your anxiety and heart felt emotion.

So my advice is to maybe relaz a bit more - find your cheese in life - and dopnt worry so much about your inner demons, even if they are small and demon like.

I find that the best way to catch a mouse is with a cylinder vacuum cleaner. Mice usually have a habit of hiding behind furniture when you’re after them, so all you have to do is stick the nozzle under the cupboard/TV/fridge and switch it on. You’ll hear when you caught it.

You don’t want to kill the mouse (fair enough) but catching it humanely and letting it go in the garden or taking it to Kent are bad ideas.

May I suggest that you capture it humanely and then take it several blocks down the road and let it into somebody else’s garden? Then your mouse can be sombeody else’s mouse and there’s no risk it wouldn’t be able to cope with naturey things out in Kent. Though you’d still have the angry mouse in a box problem for a short period of time…

take 1 live captured mouse
add wooden catapult set up in garden

well i think you can see where this is going.

mouse probably not injured, they’re fairly light and they bounce. they’d then be someone elses problem

Si Brindley
Absolutely: The Perfect Arthur Dent
Well spotted.

autograph the mouse and sell it on the internet; use proceeds to purchase cat for nearby old lady. future mice are fed to said cat; this will enthuse old lady, feed cat, kill mouse, and leave a faint residue of community.

Why not make a tiny little wicker mouse and then simply burn the blighter alive!!!
Alternatively dress up a tiny stick of dynamite as an alluring girl mouse and watch the little chap have his little chap blown off when he attempts to get amorous.

These are just two excerpts from my new book one hundred and one ways to kill a mouse.

Thank you to David for highlighting some other methods in his witty banter.

Being an American, I would think that some sort of a large bomb in is order.

Well assuming I am answering to win, my plan would have to involve me coming to collect the mouse as the prise is a mouse. So therefore my plan is inevitably going to be me getting the mouse out of your flat for you……However if you want to know what i would do with the mouse? I currently have a hamster and i want to see if they would be friends