film: Dragon Wars

There are some films that are so bad that they become good. Dragon Wars is one of those movies: a feast for the eyes, yet a plot line so absurd that it’s breathtaking.

So the plot works something like this. When a giant lizard-scale is discovered in Los Angeles, news reporter Ethan Kendricks finds himself embroiled in a mythical drama that has played out for thousands of years. Ethan discovers that than has been reincarnated to ensure that a young woman sacrifices her life force to a benevolent dragon that will protect humanity. At the same time, he must ward off a bad dragon and a warrior army who are also after the life force. Confused? So was I.

If I’ve learned anything over the last thirty years on this planet we call earth, it’s that experimenting with drugs doesn’t always have positive consequences. Take, for example, my friend Fat Berty. Before Berty found cannabis, he was a high achieving banker with a six pack made from girders and a thirty two inch waist to die for. As he sauntered about his daily business, girls would stop in the street, pant uncontrollably and beg him to take them for a slovenly cocktail.

Now when Berty discovered marijuana, things changed. He exchanged the gym for marathon viewings of The Simpsons and Family Guy. His only friends became a bag of heavy duty pot ,a packet of large silver Rizla papers, and a family sized bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken replete with barbeque sauce, slaw and frites a la francais. Bertie lost his job, and his girlfriend dumped him…but at he least found a new name.

Now whereas Fat Bertie is an example of the negative effects of drug abuse, I like to think that the makers of Dragon Wars have harnessed magic mushrooms, acid and cannabis sativa to positive effect. For it is surely not possible for a brain untouched by mind altering substances to have conceived a film as visually far-fetched, ludicrous and downright imaginative as this.

Heralding from the shores of South Korea, Dragon Wars is a mostly English speaking movie that is part Godzilla, part Reign of Fire and part Lord of The Rings. The good news is that is a considerably better film than those first two movies and boasts some stunning visual effects ranging from ancient wars to a wild battle scene in downtown LA. There’s everything on offer: magnificent dragons, winged veloceraptors, rocket-launchers from hell and indestructible warriors with cool helmets.

The bad news folks, is that the script is nothing short of a disgrace.. The dialogue could have been written better by a group of rhebus monkeys, and the plot is so convoluted that it requires a PHD in Nonsense Studies to have a clue about what’s going on. Do you know what though- sometimes the show’s deficiencies actually bring on the laughs. Exemplified when a helicopter pilot tried to defend himself against the flying dragon.

Oh well – there you have it. A film that’s great on the eyes, but an offence to the ears . Pity the actors who have to say the lines,, but rejoice for the green screen dude sand their triumphant visuals. Fat Berty would love it , and do you know what – it tickled me too. Dragon Wars is available to rent and it gets 4 stars.

For the best of the rest:

IGN:
This year at the San Diego Comic-Con, I paid a very funny and astute friend five dollars to ask a question to the filmmakers responsible for Dragon Wars. Fearlessly, she took me up on my offer: “Why is it,” she asked in front of the panel’s half-capacity crowd, “that if the film is called Dragon Wars, the abbreviation you guys used for the title is D-War, singular?” Suffice it to say that I assumed the silliest part of this exchange would be her query; a low rumble of laughter rippled through the crowd, and few if any of the attendees seemed to expect more than a simple “it sounded cool on a poster” or some other such perfunctory response.

Variety:
Bad-mutha Korean serpents trash downtown L.A. in Eng-lish-language monsterfest “D-War,” a feast of A-grade f/x married to a Z-grade, irony-free script. After some eight years in planning, production and post, and just over two years since live-action shooting wrapped, South Korea’s biggest-budget production by far (reportedly $70 million) looks likely to end up the most expensive cult movie on DVD. Though often visually entertaining, and supe-rior to helmer Shim Hyeung-rae’s last monster outing (1999’s “Yonggary,” aka “Reptilian”), pic looks to have an uphill fight in the hardtop arena.

The Boston Globe:
You don’t have to hand the folks behind “Dragon Wars” much (the acting, directing, costumes, editing, props, music, etc: They’re all off). But when they decide to sic that giant snake and those prehistoric dino-birds on downtown Los Angeles, the movie turns shockingly watchable. Until that sequence, there was no evidence that anybody involved with this laughable fantasy knew what he or she was doing.